welcome to my mind ...

This bout of insomnia has gone on a bit longer than it usually does. Normally I have restless nights for a few nights in a row, then something in my system resets and all is back to normal. This time, however, it's gone on for about two weeks. It's to the point where my coworkers have started to try to convince me to see one of our Pulm/Sleep docs. I already talked to a tech; she said that one of the more common things for insomnia patients is to be referred to behavioral health. Well, way ahead of you there. Go figure that the appointment that seemed to have helped (at least that's what I felt when I left) the most was the one right before this elongated period of insomnia.

Every night for the last two weeks I've woken up at least twice, though it's usually 4 or 5 times. Sometimes it's just long enough to go to the bathroom before laying back down to sleep again. Other times it's taken me hours to doze off, only to be awoken by my alarm 30 minutes later. Other nights it's stress dreams; luckily none of them have been nightmares. That would only worsen things.

I know that I'm allowing my depression to kind of take over my life. I'm not confronting it. I am, however, holding it at bay. I go in to work, I interact with my coworkers. I laugh, I joke, I smile. I will admit I am a little more curt than normal with the patients. I only feel a little bad. I go in to the back, out of sight, and I keep my eyes down so that no one will stop me to talk. I come home and avoid social interaction; I've been off Facebook for a couple weeks now as well.

I'm not in a good place, and I know that. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse; then there's the fact that I'm not really doing anything about it. I'm not letting it consume me entirely. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get that bad again and I've managed to hold true to my own word for the last 12 years. I've not completely shut everyone out, like I want to. I want to leave. Disappear for a while. But I know I can't. So I don't. But distance was what my therapist suggested I do, and I've been doing my own version of what I think that is while still trying not to completely disconnect. It's a tough line to walk.

I plan to rejoin the 'normal' world this weekend. I can't keep myself isolated from it forever.

People keep talking about how horrible this year was and how they're looking really forward to 2017 finally being here. To be honest, this year hasn't really been too terrible. Good things have come from it. Bad things have also come from it. I'm still trying to implicate a lesson that was presented to me a couple years ago by a person I am no longer in contact with: it's something along the lines of 'having little or no expectations allows one to enjoy things a little bit more. You get to be pleasantly surprised. Or if it doesn't go well, you didn't expect much from it anyway.' It's a challenge, going in to a situation with little to no expectation. But that's how I am going to regard 2017...

My world has been turned upside down; I've seen things for myself that I've never seen before. That I've been adamant about never allowing myself to have and so I kind of don't really know what even is anymore.

So here's to 2017. And having little to no expectations.

...perhaps maybe I can at least have some hope for this fucking insomnia to go away for a little while so that I can enjoy sleeping comfortably again.