welcome to my mind ...

I'm stressing over things that I really shouldn't be stressing over, but being the worrisome adult that I am, these things are constantly on my mind.

My mom is no longer employed. She was basically forced to quit due to a traitor in the company, who was supposedly a friend of mom. It's a complicated story and a personal one so I'm not going to go into details. This is one of the things I'm worried about. My pathetic paycheck cannot support the household. And even though mom said she's not expecting me to put anything towards it and not to worry about it, I'm afraid that something will go wrong.

I'm stressing because my road test is on Friday. I haven't driven a whole lot; it's not difficult; something I can pick up without an issue as soon as I get behind the wheel. I've not parallel parked though. And I don't like the idea of people watching me. I feel as though I'm being criticized and judged by complete strangers. I've always had a problem with stage fright. Even when I was in band, had my solos memorized and practiced continuously, when it came time to present them at a concert, everyone's eyes were on me. My heart would race and pound in my chest and it would cause me to shake. Whenever I'm being individually tested, this is the feeling that overcomes me. If a person knows me well enough, they can always tell when I'm nervous because I shake and shiver, as if cold. People who don't know me very well believe me when I just simply tell them I'm cold. They either don't think anything of it or just don't care otherwise.

I'm stressed because my hours at work at much too far and few between. Granted, I do enjoy sleeping in and staying up late, but when I don't have a life outside of my bedroom, the extra time seems pointless and wasted. I would like to say that will change once I'm a licensed driver, but having lived here for 7 months and still without friends and a very low amount of available money, I doubt very much if anything will change.

All of this unnecessary stressing has caused my constant headaches to once again become more prominent. What most people don't understand is that my headaches don't actually go away. I always have a headache, regardless if it's dull or severe. The level of happiness or stress is what determines how prominent and noticable the pain is. 11, 12 years is a long time to have a headache.

I haven't been laid in 7 months. I haven't barely even been touched in that long. I know that this is something that shouldn't bother me too much, but I'm putting a strain on my will power. At the beginning I thought it would be easy to resist. I'm finding that testing my will power, to see if I can beat my record of going 9 months without, is quite a task to achieve. It seems like I'm wasting my energy on this type of thing, but I want to feel wanted. I like feeling as if I'm wanted. Even if it's not in the relationship sense.

Alright, I've gotten a small chunk of things off my mind. Time to go attempt at sorting out the rest. Maybe tonight I'll be able to slow my mind down enough to get more than a few hours of sleep.

:( I remember when you were really looking forward to going to Vegas...now not so much.

When I took my driving test, I messed up parallel parking...I asked them if I could do it again and I only got marked off half of my points instead of all of my points. In the state of Colorado, they do not require that you parallel park...wish I didn't have to do that.
» lazypuppy on 2008-02-05 11:36:31

I'll pray for your mom =( I'm sorry she lost her job. and Stess sucks... >.<
» Midnight on 2008-02-06 03:30:30

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» Lamar (207.28.249.82) on 2010-09-03 07:28:41

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