I finished The Host yesterday. I still don't know whether I like Ian or Jared more. I guess it's kind of even.

I have nothing to say about work. It was neither good nor bad. I just don't feel like talking about it.

According to the questions I received today, the look on my face seemed to indicate that I was either pissed off or upset. I know I've got sort of an apathetic mood, but I thought I was trying to keep my face neutral. I guess it didn't work out too well. I just blamed it on not feeling well and being tired; the usual. It's easy enough to pass off as an acceptable reason and people will usually leave me alone after that.

There are exceptions, like today. Cindy could tell I wasn't telling her everything so she pushed a little bit. She worries about me. I think it's part of her motherly instinct.

My problem right now is that I don't know what's wrong with me. I know something doesn't feel right, but I can't pinpoint it. I try and blame it on this or that, but nothing fits. Even my usual stress-causing worries don't fit this issue. I hate feeling this way and it bugs me even more not being able to figure out what it is that's bothering me. My mind starts to wander off into places it shouldn't go. I start thinking and worrying about scenarios that wouldn't normally cross my mind.

This certainly isn't the first time I've had this feeling and I'm sure it won't be the last. Though, I really wish it were. Each time it happens it becomes a little harder to deal with. You'd think, with it happening not quite frequently, but more often than it should, that I'd be able to better prepare to deal with it. But no. I guess the improvement would be that I don't break down into tears every time it happens. I kinda feel like I want to right now though.

Apathy is, in my opinion, more of a hassle than anger or sadness or depression. At least with those things, you know what the feeling is you have and usually why you feel that way. Apathy is neither those and you don't always have a reason for being apathetic.

Ugh.

Eh, it's weird what people see in other's faces. Whenever I'm feeling apathetic people ask me if something's wrong, because apparently I look really depressed... :S

I'd rather be apathetic than depressed, myself. But maybe it's just because my emotions suck and I can't control them.

The nickname would probably have more meaning if I made it up myself, but I just seem to be stuck. X|
» randomjunk on 2008-05-22 07:19:11

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