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Thursday. 1.19.17 6:52 pm
It always seems like the short weeks is when things tend to go awry, thus making it feel like the week is much longer.

Today was such a long day, and I'm running on maybe 3.5 hours of very broken sleep so I'm just exhausted. I wanted to type something up, but I can't brain right now. I'll update on Saturday.

In the meantime, I'm going to crash for the night. I don't even care that it's barely 7. Here's to hoping I am actually tired enough to not be woken up by anyone using the kitchen. And hopefully the smoke detectors don't get set off, again.

Until next time. . .

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Necessity
Friday. 1.13.17 9:41 pm
There's still 2 hours and 19 minutes left {PST} for Friday the 13th so of course I had to write out an entry. I actually almost forgot that I'd wanted to, but as I was driving home from dinner/drinks, I remembered that I still had time before it was officially over, PST.

The day was about as it was expected to be. It was also a full moon last night so people were a little more extra crazy than they just normally would be had it been just Friday the 13th. What made it even more interesting was the simple fact that we were so short staffed. I was basically working alone today {I actually feel like I would have been less stressed if I had actually been alone for the second half of the day} with my one coworker starting her maternity leave today, and the other taking a half day, and then having a float cover. I get that they want coverage when someone is out, but it is only so helpful when the person they have cover knows only the bare minimum of the job.

Because of the way today was going, and the fact that me and a couple friends hadn't gotten together in a while for drinks, we needed to meet up for drinks after work. We waited just a little bit, so that Red Robin could be more cleared, or clearing up, of the families that go out for dinner on Friday nights. We only had to wait maybe 3 minutes for a table in the bar area. I think this is actually the first night in a while where I've kept myself limited on the alcoholic intake. I even kept myself limited on food intake. Normally I take advantage of the bottomless fries, but I was just so stuffed after the burger and first helping of fries that I just couldn't. It was even a task just trying to get the second drink down. Now? Now I'm just completely stuffed and pretty much ready for bed.

Tomorrow is the end of week 2 of 8. Technically this should have been week one, but I started last week because I didn't think about actually counting to see how many more weeks until the race. But I'm not taking a week off just to stick with the exact calendar. Tomorrow is also the first day of the calendar where it starts to slowly increase the overall length of time. I have to admit, though I never want to go, it's actually nice getting back in to the gym. Even if it's only for shorter periods of time. When I was actually working toward losing the weight, I'd never go longer than 30 minutes, so it's going to be interesting when the time on the calendar goes beyond that. Tomorrow starts the extended time beyond 20 minutes, but then it stays steady at 24 minutes, except on Saturdays. Saturday is the day to extend the time, which actually works out really nicely since Saturday the gym at work is empty and so I won't feel as bad hogging one of the two treadmills that they have.

I really wanted to get a tattoo today, but alas, it wasn't in the cards. I won't be missing the next one, however. As soon as I have a spare $100, I'll be reserving an appointment with my artist. I may actually get two small ones for that appointment, instead of just the one, since I'll be reserving the time. I might as well. There's another small one that I've been wanting to get for some time now. We'll see what happens with that.

Anywho, I'm drained from the day and the alcohol and food intake and bitch session, it's definitely finishing me in.

Until next time. . .

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Week 1 of 8
Saturday. 1.7.17 7:18 pm
Well then. It's the end of the first week of the year. It's also the end of the first week of the training calendar I got from the 15k people. The whole point in this is to build up endurance, not to lose weight. So the fact that over the first three days of this calendar I've barely broken a sweat, I need to keep reminding myself that it's not for weight loss and max calorie burning. Though, I totally wouldn't mind losing another 10 or so pounds. Thus, I shall be working on building endurance, but if I happen to lose more weight in the process, then so be it. All I know is that by the time the 15k rolls around, I need to be able to keep up at least a 12 minute mile for the duration of the roughly 9 miles that this thing consists of.

Really, other than that, my life has gone back to being rather particularly boring. At least it's consistent. Paying off bills, getting my credit card balances back down to a reasonable level after vacations and Christmas means that I've less money to spend on other random shit. I really, really, really want to get another tattoo next Friday, but I have a feeling I won't be able to. At least not with my artist. Though, out of the 6 tattoos I have, only two of them were done by the same person. It wouldn't be too outlandish for me to have yet another person work on me. Maybe I'll do some research and see if anyone good is doing a Friday the 13th deal.

If not, I can plan for the one in October.

This year, as I've said, is going to be the year of little to no expectations and I've managed to keep that going. Which, for someone with depression and anxiety, a week of being able to keep that up is pretty darn good.

Oh, random tidbit. I got a catalog in the mail (no idea why; I'm not subscribed to anything) that's called "whatever works: garden, home, pest control." I flipped through the pages, and there's apparently sex toys that you can by from this place. I mean, it is called "whatever works" but really? Does that fall under the 'home' category? Or 'pest control'? Who knows. But I found it rather amusing. Especially since the other stuff you can buy in here seem pretty practical. Such as flashlights, RFID wallets, bug spray etc. Or some other weirdly random items, such as a volume enhancer that looks like a cut off stethoscope, a ottoman that turns in to a fold out bed, or even better: an ottoman that's also a cat bed. But yeah, sex toys.

Anywho, the wildcard game is happening right now and since I just heard more fireworks, I'm going to assume that the Seahawks just scored again. Either that or the game is over, but it seems a little too soon for that. It's only been two hours. It's going to be kind of weird when I move away to not be so close to the stadiums. I've gotten used to knowing when there's a game.

I think I've rambled enough. Until next time. . .

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Held accountable
Tuesday. 1.3.17 8:07 pm
I'm going to maybe try to keep track of what I've been doing toward the 15k training on here so that I might be able to hold myself accountable for actually doing the work. Today was day 1 in the 8 week training calendar. 3 days a week. I want to try to do the Saturday one outside, just to get kind of used to being on the ground instead of a treadmill, but it really will depend on the weather. I don't have any water resistant clothing... really, after 6 years you'd think that I would own at least one thing, but no. Not the case.

Even after how things went on Sunday, I ended up canceling my plans for Monday and staying indoors again. I feel like forcing myself too hard to come out of my shell makes me want to stay in it that much more. I know why, at least part of the reason why, I'm locked in to this rut. I know what I have to do to get past it. Hence why I've given myself a short term goal. For the next two months, I have something to keep myself occupied for at least 3 days per week. It gives me something to focus on and put my energy toward. After 2 months, I will reevaluate and see if I need to set myself up with something else, or if I've been able to get myself out of this situation that only I have put myself in.

I don't think I mentioned it in the last post, but I managed to bruise up my leg pretty badly. Not nearly as bad as the one I had from when I fell at Big Lots, but this one is a pretty decent size. It's a couple inches in length, and at least an inch wide. Friday during my last break, I was walking downstairs to take the tunnel to the other building and there's gates blocking people from exiting down. Well, I swung the gate open, didn't realize I'd gotten my toe stuck under the corner, and ended up jamming my thigh pretty hard in to the metal edge of the stopper that juts out. It hurt, and I knew immediately that it would leave a decent bruise, though I wasn't expecting it to already be visible only two hours later. It still hurts if I accidentally hit it when I put my arm down on my leg (which happens a lot when I'm driving) but it's mostly just in the gross yellow/green/brown stage of healing. I'm sure it'll be lingering for a while longer, but eh. It's been a long while since I've had a decently sized bruise and I'm oddly okay with it.

Anywho, I will probably be calling it an early night. I slept horribly last night so today I'm exhausted. Perhaps I'm exhausted enough to actually get more than a few hours of sleep tonight. Here's to hoping.

Until next time. . .

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Cracking the shell
Sunday. 1.1.17 5:40 pm
I wasn't expecting to write again this soon, but here we are.

For some reason I started feeling better yesterday. I've still been sleeping about the same; the last two nights weren't any different, more restful or otherwise, than the last two weeks. But I felt better mentally. Today was about the same.

I met up with two of my friends and we drove out to Snoqualmie Falls. One of my friends has a tradition to drive out to the Falls every New Year's day; I joined her last year, and this year we brought a mutual friend since she'd never been. We ate lunch at the restaurant inside the hotel at the Falls, then took a few pictures before heading back in to the city.

Once back in the city, we decided that we needed dessert and wine so we made our way to the Purple Cafe and Wine Bar. Despite the cold and fog out at the Falls, it actually turned out to be an enjoyable day. The kicker, however, is the fact that because the 1st of the year falls on a Sunday, we have tomorrow off from work. I'm looking quite forward to not having to wake up to an alarm. Though, I'll likely end up being awake at the time I normally get up anyway.

Last night I watched the live stream of the ball drop in NYC, then was in bed by 10:00 my time. Fireworks woke me up right around midnight, but only for about 10 minutes. I guess I was tired enough to sleep through whatever other fireworks were set off around the city.

I'm not sure when I'll write again, but after the last entry, I felt like I should put in something a little more positive.

Until next time. . .

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Insomnia
Thursday. 12.29.16 10:04 pm
This bout of insomnia has gone on a bit longer than it usually does. Normally I have restless nights for a few nights in a row, then something in my system resets and all is back to normal. This time, however, it's gone on for about two weeks. It's to the point where my coworkers have started to try to convince me to see one of our Pulm/Sleep docs. I already talked to a tech; she said that one of the more common things for insomnia patients is to be referred to behavioral health. Well, way ahead of you there. Go figure that the appointment that seemed to have helped (at least that's what I felt when I left) the most was the one right before this elongated period of insomnia.

Every night for the last two weeks I've woken up at least twice, though it's usually 4 or 5 times. Sometimes it's just long enough to go to the bathroom before laying back down to sleep again. Other times it's taken me hours to doze off, only to be awoken by my alarm 30 minutes later. Other nights it's stress dreams; luckily none of them have been nightmares. That would only worsen things.

I know that I'm allowing my depression to kind of take over my life. I'm not confronting it. I am, however, holding it at bay. I go in to work, I interact with my coworkers. I laugh, I joke, I smile. I will admit I am a little more curt than normal with the patients. I only feel a little bad. I go in to the back, out of sight, and I keep my eyes down so that no one will stop me to talk. I come home and avoid social interaction; I've been off Facebook for a couple weeks now as well.

I'm not in a good place, and I know that. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse; then there's the fact that I'm not really doing anything about it. I'm not letting it consume me entirely. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get that bad again and I've managed to hold true to my own word for the last 12 years. I've not completely shut everyone out, like I want to. I want to leave. Disappear for a while. But I know I can't. So I don't. But distance was what my therapist suggested I do, and I've been doing my own version of what I think that is while still trying not to completely disconnect. It's a tough line to walk.

I plan to rejoin the 'normal' world this weekend. I can't keep myself isolated from it forever.

People keep talking about how horrible this year was and how they're looking really forward to 2017 finally being here. To be honest, this year hasn't really been too terrible. Good things have come from it. Bad things have also come from it. I'm still trying to implicate a lesson that was presented to me a couple years ago by a person I am no longer in contact with: it's something along the lines of 'having little or no expectations allows one to enjoy things a little bit more. You get to be pleasantly surprised. Or if it doesn't go well, you didn't expect much from it anyway.' It's a challenge, going in to a situation with little to no expectation. But that's how I am going to regard 2017...

My world has been turned upside down; I've seen things for myself that I've never seen before. That I've been adamant about never allowing myself to have and so I kind of don't really know what even is anymore.

So here's to 2017. And having little to no expectations.

...perhaps maybe I can at least have some hope for this fucking insomnia to go away for a little while so that I can enjoy sleeping comfortably again.

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