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Fourteen
Saturday. 4.1.17 6:04 pm
Well then ... I think back in Sept/Oct of last year I'd said something about maybe trying another 'entry every day' type of thing for this year. Considering today is April 1st, and this is only the 14th entry of the year, I'd say I've done quite horribly in really any attempt at trying to write every day.

I suppose it's more because of where I'm at in my life. I don't feel like I need to get things out as much as I did the year I wrote *almost* every day(I think I missed 7 or 8 in the entire year). It's not that I'm particularly busy; kind of the opposite, in fact, but there's just no real pull to write anything.

I still have the same car I've had for the last almost 8 years. I still have the same phone number that I've had for almost 10. I've even lived at the same address now for over 5 years. I've been working at the same location for over 6 years (though the job title has changed.) Life has kind of taken a rather consistent turn for me; one I'm very much not used to. Even though I still have the urge to move on a regular basis, (I think I've talked about this before) there's really nothing pushing or pulling me away at the moment.

I feel like I'm in this weird limbo of stability, but without really being stable. It's kind of hard to explain how I'm feeling, and the more I think about putting it in to words, the harder it becomes to really even understand it inside my own head. It's almost like I'm in a place where I've become comfortable with the consistency, and yet I'm always expecting that sudden change. Something to throw it all off. I lived that way for so long that I was terrified at just the simple thought of settling somewhere.

However, one of my biggest fears is of getting stuck. Like, I could never live on an island. Even if I don't go anywhere, the idea of not being able to go anywhere, whenever I wanted, makes me very uncomfortable. The last time I went away, I didn't have a rental car, and that made me quite uncomfortable. If I'm staying as a guest at someone's home, even if I know that I don't have to keep a schedule, it makes me uncomfortable in the knowledge that I might be judged for keeping weird hours. It may not completely stop me, but it makes me uncomfortable.

It's irrational, especially since I usually stay put. I guess all of the moving around has affected me, even though I've been in one place for longer than I've ever been before, and have become very used to the every day normalcy of it all. Though I don't remember the last time I went out for a drive, just for the sake of getting away, it causes me anxiety at just the idea of that not being an option.

Anwyho, this kind of went off topic, I suppose. There's really nothing new and/or exciting going on in my life as of the current moment. Hopefully this holds anyone who actually reads this over enough until the next entry.

Until then. . .
1 Comments.


Honestly, I am exactly where you are... except that I have a visa ultimately deciding how things will be for me.

Perhaps you have gotten used to everything just changing that you are afraid to fully embrace the stability of it all. I have been told that and I don't really think that is true.. It's just perhaps that we are all prepared to have everything change so we don't get too upset when things actually do change.
» Nuttz on 2017-04-05 06:03:24

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