This was supposed to be a good entry where I'm happy, but alas, that's not the case. So if you don't feel like reading about me being upset and pissed off I'd advise that you not read further.

First off, last night was fun. I went to Tiffany's Gong Show. The high school drama kids put it on. Justin was with me so I had an even better time. After the show it was 10:30 so it was a little to late for us to go out to do anything so we came back to my place and watched Waiting... If you've ever worked in a food industry, you need to watch that movie cuz you will laugh your ass off. Even if you haven't worked in food, you should still watch the movie, but you won't understand some of the things that go on. I was apparently more tired than I thought cuz I dozed off while cuddling with him. He woke me up at 1:30am cuz he had to go home. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew he had to. I knew I'd see him today anyway. Or so I thought.

Which brings us to the shitty part. I have to work tonight. I have no choice about it either. Today is my day off. I had already made plans with Justin, but now they can't happen. I'm so sick of working at this place. I was going to say no, but I couldn't. Not because I myself couldn't say no, but I just couldn't. I have to work tonight cuz there's no one else who can cover the shift.

Why? Why the fuck does this have to happen to me? I mean, did I do something wrong to deserve this? At this point having to work when I don't want to, I almost consider a punishment.

I hate this. I hate having to cancel all of my plans just to accomidate other people. And at this point its not just myself that I'm hurting. I'm making the plans with Justin and having to cancel them, I'm hurting him too. I hate having to do that. I don't just get pissed off anymore. The tears are flowing now.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could just quit my job and live out the rest of my lease without working about it. But since living a decent {although sometimes shitty} life isn't free. I have a little over 7 weeks of bullshit and torture before I'll be done with work.

But I'm living through conflicting feelings right now too. I can't wait to be done with work so that I can leave, but I want to spend as much time as I can with Justin. I don't want to leave him. But I can't have both, and I'm not staying in Tucson just so that I can stay with him. It sucks having to deal with this. Being really happy one moment to becoming just completely and utterly depressed another moment is not good.

Depression fucks with my eating. Meaning I don't. At all. I didn't eat anything yesterday and I probably won't eat anything today either. Who knows if I'm going to eat anything Sunday. I would have eaten today had I not gotten the phone call telling me that I had to cancel my plans with Justin and work tonight {they didn't say that cuz they didn't know I had made plans, but that's what it sounded like to me}

It may sound weird, but the tears that came tell me two things: one, I really fucking hate my job {which I didn't need reminding in} and two, I care more about Justin than I had originally wanted to. I didn't want to get attached to Justin cuz I knew I was leaving, but I did anyway.

Fuck. I don't even know what to say anymore. And I need to stop crying so that I can actually focus on the screen. My eyes are starting to hurt from both crying and trying to focus on the screen through the tears. So I guess that's it for this entry.

I'm sorry. That really sucks. When you leave your job you should do somethign crazy and awful.
» lyndeep on 2007-05-12 03:07:56

I think right now we are the Misery Twins.
» ranor on 2007-05-12 04:44:19

i'm really sorry...
» Southern on 2007-05-12 08:32:08

that sucks! Next time you should just be like, "I'm sorry--- I'm completely unavailable at that time. It was my day off so I made unalterable plans" What the hell are they going to do? They have to sort it out somehow, right? You don't have any stake in their long-term success!
» Zanzibar on 2007-05-13 12:47:33

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