I feel really weird right now. I'm not quite sure why or exactly what it is that I'm feeling, but its not right. Like, I'm emotionally not into it today. I feel more down than usual. I hate to say that this is the type of thing that occurs right before something bad is about to happen. I had this kind of feeling a few days before the car accident we got into last week. We really can't afford to be in another accident.

But its not just a bad feeling either. Its a feeling ... I dunno ... almost that I'm completely alone? Or maybe feeling unloved? Not necessarily by my family, but just in general. I have no one out here at all. I feel kind of like the last time I was out in Vegas. The only difference is that I'm not freshly out of a bad relationship and my heart hasn't been freshly ripped into a million pieces.

But just like the last time I was here, I have no one and I'm searching for a job, but am having no success. This really is starting to get to me.

All they hype that I had about my birthday is gone now. I care as much about this one as I have every other birthday that has passed. I realize that some of it is due to the fact that I have no friends out here and the possibility of spending it alone has crossed my mind more often than not recently. Whatever. It would be just like any other birthday that I've celebrated. I think the last one that I actually celebrated, was my 17th b-day. And before that it was my 13th b-day? I don't remember exactly if it was my 12th or 13th. So I seem to be celebrating my birthdays in 4 year intervals. . . except in this case.

If that were the pattern, then I should be celebrating my 21st with much enthusiasm. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be happening that way. Huh. You know what I just realized? I had wished that my b-day was on Feb. 29th so that I'd only have to really celebrate it once every 4 years. And oddly enough, even though my b-day is on a normal, regular day, it seems to be playing the way that I wanted it. Again, making this upcoming b-day the exception.

Even if I got a job tomorrow, I'm a little over a month away from turning 21; would I make a close enough friend to acually enjoy going out with to celebrate the illustrious day? I'm leaning more towards no right now.

Ugh, this is turning into an entry about how depressed I am about my b-day. But that's not the reason I seem to be carrying this burden of emotion. I just ... I dunno. I just hope this passes soon. I hate being like this; it seems that it adds to the depression.

Whew..word-for-word how I've been feeling..well, pretty much forever in general. But lately especially. We just all need HUUGS
» etheracide on 2007-08-25 12:23:21

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